Let me preface this by saying that I wrote this over 5 years ago. Its unedited, raw and transparent. Kind of pieced together, but still effective. This was during a time in my life I was wrestling thoughts of fear, uncertainty and was untrusting of Gods hand over my son’s life; He has lived with Type 1 diabetes since he was 8 years old. It’s written through the heart!

Fear is that thing that creeps in and grips you to the point you can’t seem to take another breath. It makes all logic and understanding void, until your reality is nowhere to be found. 

Life for Deuce is pretty normal and uneventful. He’s your average 10 year old who loves to have witty conversation and make farting jokes. He loves unapologetically and his passion for video games is relentless, but behind this seemingly normal childhood life, there is an unseen battle that has a constant demand for attention. 

On average days, we have normal daily life of school, snack eating, bike riding, basketball playing, dinner making days, life is steady and time moves forward. But this unseen, unspoken battle, yet many have in common but would never dare share or even acknowledge; is ever present. 

As we press forward day-by-day, hour-by-hour and often minute by minute; I feel the constant pressure and presence of what I know and call Fear. Fear will grip you and not let go, it will suffocate you until it renders you frozen and crippled. Fear has many names and comes in all shapes and sizes. It likes to dress up in sheep’s clothing, but also can come like an earthquake, sudden and without warning. It doesn’t discriminate or have a preference. It can and will sneak its way into any unchecked or unlocked door it can find and often when we think our front door is locked and secure, we have neglected to check the back door. Often fear can be so blinding you may not even realize it’s there, right in front of you, ever present in your life. In fact, most wouldn’t even recognize fear if it was standing in their living room, in plain sight.

Its these unspoken struggles that make us believe that we alone have the power to overcome, just because you put a cape on doesn’t make you powerful. There is only One who our help comes from.

 As our days come to an end and most are enjoying their nightly rituals of slipping into comfy jammies, brushing teeth to finally lay in bed and enjoy some much needed sleep, I sit and dread the night and what comes with it. You see, the nights are long, quiet and sometimes seem never ending for me. That dreaded silence that almost seems like it rings in my ears. While others are fast asleep and dreaming sweet dreams I sit awake, waiting nervously and a lot of the times fearfully. 

 As my son sleeps soundly and clueless to the fear that strikes me sometimes frozen at his bedside, I still know and can feel the sound of what I can only describe as a vibration in my spirit, of hope and peace coming to rescue me from this frozen state of mind. See all along that feeling of hope, peace and love that can only be explained as God Himself, is not something that ever left me but reassures me that He never will. In this journey God has walked me through many levels of fear and no matter how much I have prayed, been prayed for, rebuked, delivered and set free, although great and much needed, there is only one way I can truly remove fear from my life and that is TRUST. Not just any trust but the trust that can only be placed in Christ Jesus. To fully trust God, is to hand your entire life over, surrender not only the parts that you see fit, but your entire life and all that is in it. For me that includes the lives of my children and husband. They are an extension of me, one doesn’t take off one’s arm and leave it. Can you live without it? yes, but you will feel the memory of it for the rest of your life. The fear of the unknown at one point overtook my thoughts and the reality I live in and was going after my future. 

 All fear needs is your mind to consider even the slightest lie or mirage to take a foothold in your circumstance, your home and ultimately in your day-to-day life. 

So, every day, I choose to let go & Trust.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your path”. -Proverbs 3:5,6